I'm Not Sucking Your Balls, Fatass
by C.B. Magique
Summary: If the US government decides that imaginary things are real, you should never, EVER, try to use that against your friends lest they get back at you in the worst way imaginable. !Contains spoilers for Imagination Land trilogy!


A bit hot off the press. This isn't my usual subject or category for fanfiction, but after seeing the ending of the Imagination Land trilogy, I just had this idea burning in my head and waiting to be shared because I don't like Cartman and I hate it when he wins. Don't get me wrong, I still found it super funny but it was a bit weird that Kyle stood there and did nothing when it was very clear how the whole Imagination Land physics worked. So, I wrote this as an alternate ending (although this part in the episode isn't really the ending, it's the bit before the ending) and injected some catharsis into it. Take that, Cartman you fatass!

It's probably already apparent that this does have some spoilers for the ending of the Imagination Land trilogy, so if you haven't already seen those episodes of South Park, you probably won't really understand what's going on. Soooooooooo..................... if you don't want spoilers, don't read this.

**Disclaimer: South Park is owned and created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Not me. **

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Kyle glared furiously. This was far too humiliating, having the higher ranks of the US army, his friends and all of the good imaginary creatures of Imagination Land laugh at Imaginary Kyle sucking Imaginary King Cartman's balls. Dammit! He shouldn't have made that ridiculous speech about imaginary things being 'real' just because of their unparalleled influence over the real world. This was going too far.

"I'm not sucking your balls, Cartman," Kyle said firmly.

"But you already said that imaginary creatures are real, therefore this is real and you really are sucking my balls," Cartman replied gleefully, turning to send his Jewish friend a smug smirk. "Oh, glorious day! Oh, how I've waited for this. You tried to worm your way out of this, Kyle, but you can't. Not now that the US government has now changed the law to say that imaginary things really are real. You can't fight the law, Kyle."

"He's right," the military general said informatively. "Now with the new legislation, everything you can imagine can be considered real."

"Huh, really?" Kyle snapped. An idea popped into his head. He'd promised to himself and to everyone that he would never, ever suck Cartman's balls and he still wouldn't. He could still get back at Cartman yet. "Well, if that's real, then this is real too..."

Kyle closed his head and clenched his fists, thinking really hard to imagine what would happen next in the scenario. Within the next few second there was a high-pitched, girly screech as Imaginary Kyle tore off Imaginary King Cartman's balls. The laughing and sniggering all around him was silenced immediately and replaced with wide-eyed expressions of shock with all mouths left hanging.

"Oh my God, _snarf_, _snarf_," said Snarf, being the first to break the silence.

Imaginary King Cartman didn't seem to be in pain (although no one was coherently imagining him in pain so that may have been a deciding factor) but he was just as surprised as the rest of the crowd. When a smiling Imaginary Kyle with a blood-splattered face rose to his feet again, Imaginary King Cartman began to bawl like an irritable, screaming baby.

Kyle laughed. "See that, Fatass? I just castrated you."

"Oh dear," Strawberry Shortcake said, trying to sound at least a little bit sympathetic through her sniggers.

"No you didn't! You just imagined that! That doesn't count in the real world!" Cartman screamed as the audience broke into peals of laughter again, this time at Cartman's expense.

"Yes it does," the general corrected. "According to the government any imaginary creature or event is real in its own right."

"B-but," Butters piped up, knocking his knuckles together habitually, "Then... then that means Cartman doesn't have any balls no more... so..." Butters trailed off, not really sure about what he was hoping to accomplish by pointing that out. The silence as everyone let that statement sink in wasn't reassuring him. Another round of laughter erupted, prompting Butters to nervously join in.

"You guys are such assholes!" Cartman shouted.

"You don't like it now, do ya?" Kyle taunted, pushing Cartman. "Now that this whole imagination thing doesn't go the way you like it I bet you wish imaginary things weren't real anymore."

"Goddammit you fucking Jew! That's it! You're going down, right here, right now!" Cartman threw off his gloves and took off his coat in order to put up his fists, ready to fight.

"Cartman, You don't have the balls to fight Kyle," Stan added.

"I do have balls!" Cartman argued. "My balls are right here! See!" He grabbed his crotch to reiterate his point, only realising his folly the moment he'd done it. "Damn you, Kyle, you motherfucking Jew! I'm gonna sue you for this! I'm suing you for sexual harassment!"

"Oh yeah, like forcing me to suck your balls _isn't_ sexual harassment," Kyle retorted, voice laden with sarcasm. "And stop touching yourself in public already."

Cartman growled. "Fine! You can have it your way then. Imaginary things aren't real. Are you happy now, Kyle? Are you happy now that you have taken a man's dream – his life goal, his raison d'être – and crushed it; kicked to the ground and stomped it into the dust like... like it was worth nothing." Cartman sighed, looking down at the ground forlornly. His tone became solemn and serious. "You couldn't let me have this, could you? All my life, all I've ever wanted was to make you suck my balls. I lived for that. That would make me a very happy man and would be able to die with no regrets knowing that I had made you suck my balls. You just took that away from me. Now all I'll ever have is my regrets and sorrowful memories of my dry, dry balls. They'll be dry forever. Are you happy, Kyle? Does that make you happy?"

Kyle glared at him. "Yes."

"Well, fine!" Cartman shrieked, kicking the dirt in his hissy fit. "I've had it! But I swear, Kyle, one day I _will_ make you suck my balls for real."

"Dumbass, the law still says that imaginary things are real," Stan told him. "You don't have any balls to suck, Fatass."

"That does it! Screw you guys, I'm going home." Cartman turned and walked away, leaving his discarded clothes behind and waving his middle finger high in the air to all those behind him.

"You might wanna take your clothes with you," Kyle recommended.

"Yeah, it's gonna be cold when you get back home," Butters explained.

"Fuck you."


End file.
